What matters, in raising a child?

Since I'm writing this blog for Deven & #2, as much as for anyone else who cares to read it, here's my brief perspective on the topic:

- Money: Doesn't matter, per se - but sure is helpful, to a point. Economists would use the term "marginal utility" to define how much money one needs to raise a kid. Said another way, money is good for paying bills, school field trips, and even a few unnecessary toys (Yogesh, finger pointed right at you, sweetie!) But after a point, money not only spoils, but corrupts children - sometimes badly. Case in point: "Paris Hilton."

- Education: People can be wise, without being book-smart. People can learn from experience, without finishing school. People can change the world, without knowing how to read. I wasn't one of those people. I was lucky - I had my parents' and grandparents' financial assistance to finish 16 years of school, and then I put myself through another 2 years. So, education doesn't preclude success and happiness for children, but it sure improves the odds. That said, Cases in point of people not needing (much) formal education and being wise and successful in their life: Albert Einstein and Daadi. Though as Yogesh would add, sometimes her wisdom is overbearing.

- Age: Matters to me; but maybe not to others. I wasn't emotionally ready to be a parent before the age of 29; maybe 28. Watching my sister, I think she realized she was ready, quickly, when she helped care for Deven at ~ 6 weeks old.

- Race: Doesn't matter. My family includes heritage of Austrian, Croatian, English, Filipino, Indian, Scottish, Spanish, and soon to be African, heritage. People of all races, including those of historically disadvantaged races, have done amazing things. Cases in point: Tiger Woods (a self-described "Cablinasian"), and (future): Deven Reid Sharma. :)

- Having a Dad around?: A tough one. As a mom, I couldn't do it without Yogesh. I have no idea how single moms do make it work - I have the greatest respect for them. Some women just rise to the occasion and perform the 2.5x effort required to raise a child - or more than one - to be happy, successful, and well-adjusted citizens. So, it's a case-by-case basis, but I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. Someone who did? Case in point: Barack Obama's mom.

I was recently called a Limousine Liberal, and have edited this post from its initial content - but not deleted it, as I do want Deven to know how his mom felt about these things. Though, if I were to define myself, I wouldn't use that term. I'd just say I keep (mostly) San Francisco Values. Which, since I live here, I don't think is such a bad thing.

Communication (or lack thereof)

Communcation, I've decided, is the key to everything (yes, I can hear you saying "DUH" as you read this). Not just "leadership" or "parenthood" or "workplace success" or even "Surviving With Your Spouse When They Are Clearly Not Communicating, And You Are Communicating Perfectly Clearly" - but everything.


I'll leave this post at it's cryptic-non-communicative-best, by just including a couple of recent photos. :)

Deven's words, and expanding family

When Yogesh left 12 days ago, Deven was saying 1 thing for "Cat" - but now already has a new set of words. The ones I can remember offhand include:

Cat = "Tats" or "Baaao"
Daddy = "DaDa"
Mommy = "DaDa" (still) - or incessant whining.
Daadi = "Daadi" (said perfectly)
Whining = "MaMa"
Oops = "Uh-oh"
Toothbrush = "Bish"
Bye = "Bi"

Daddy's coming back today! Ye! He caught an earlier flight and, despite the in-flight annoyances he's mentioned to me on email, he should be home in about 2 hours. Cool. Trying to keep Deven up for that, though that may be a very bad idea. :-)

Assuming all goes well, this should be Yogesh's last Father's Day as the father of one. Yep, you heard it right: Deven will become a cousin in November, and a big brother to this little Cupcake sometime in December (click on each photo if you want to see a larger view):

- Back View


- Upside down


- Top of head & hand


- Face & body

To preempt some questions:
- I'm feeling great. My goal this pregnancy is to NOT gain the 60 lbs I gained with Deven. So far, I'm up 9 lbs and doing fine.
- No, we don't know the sex yet. Yes, we do plan to find out.
- Yes, we do have a boy and a girl name (likely) chosen already; but we reserve the right to change our minds; so no, we're not tellin' yet. It's hard with bi-cultural families - we do want something that "works" in both Hindi and English. And yes, Mom, I was hurt when you said you didn't like one of the choices I floated by you - you may have a grandchild named that, regardless of your opinion.
- Yes, we want the little one to come this year, for the tax writeoff. :)
- Yes, I've told my office already. Everyone so far has accepted the news with graciousness.
- More on our birth location choice in a future post.

What kids teach us about work

Specifically:

- When you ask someone to help you find your red sippy-cup (important-and-urgent for you), remember that your need for the red sippy-cup may not be their top priority. The purple chew-toy they were mouthing before you came along may be MUCH more important than your latest red-sippy-cup-need.

- If they respond back in a snippy way, remember that you may not know WHY the purple chew-toy is more important to them than your red sippy-cup...and don't go repeating your request so other people with bigger, more-colorful chew-toys can hear. They heard you the first time, but just were using selective hearing. (Now I know that this skill is learned in the toddler years, when purple chew-toys and red sippy-cups are vital teething tools).

- When they DO come to you, after finishing gnawing on their purple chew-toy, and grunt and ask to learn more about your red-sippy-cup-needs, accept their interest graciously, and use your "happy voice" to explain it. Getting them excited may be tough (remember, their teeth still hurt, and other stuff IS going on for them...and for God's sake, you're asking for a SIPPY CUP after all, which you lose every day!); but charm gets you everywhere in this situation.

- When they mention that their teeth hurt, and in fact their nose was running at the time, too (meaning your red-sippy-cup-needs likely wouldn't get met immediately, with or without their help); don't defend your actions. Instead, listen with empathy and ask if you can get them some ice for their gums.

- Especially don't defend your actions, when you repeated your request in a holier-than-thou voice in front of people with bigger, more-important chew-toys. That's not nice, and just makes them mad. If you haven't seen a toddler when mad lately, come to our house...it's not a pretty sight.

- Most importantly, making them mad will ensure you DON'T get any help from them in fiding your red sippy cup. Maybe if you'd just played nice, they'd have helped you more...but they're back to gnawing on their purple chew-toy, and you're still stuck searching, with one less ally to help you find that cup.


Morals of the story
- Know your toddler's situation - are they teething? Runny nose? (and if you can't figure it out first, don't assume you know everything)
- Don't assume that they're ignoring you on purpose (they really may be busy)
- And above all else, don't embarass your toddler - your hubris will not yield the results you were seeking - even if you were right about the whole thing.

BlackBerry Man

Deven, like most toddlers, is fascinated with all things expensive, delicate, dangerous, and technological. Our BlackBerry phones fit into this last category - and if he gets his hands on one before it's locked; woe-is-the-owner whose boss/colleague/friend/random contact is called on accident as Deven pushes buttons.
(video coming as soon as it finishes uploading).

Our little technologist...growing up fast!


In other news, Daddy Yogesh left tonight for 12 days in India (fun time to go - the forecast in Delhi is for 104-Farenheit by the time he arrives this weekend). Wow.