...has set in. I wondered when it would happen. I have the best situation I could imagine:
- Healthy kid
- Great husband
- Fabulous mom-in-law
- Dependable, nurturing nanny
- Even have a biweekly housecleaner who does a great job.
...and yet, I read a blog by a friend-of-a-friend who's a SAHM (that's shorthand for Stay At Home Mom to those of you without a child under the age of 5), and there it was - all the well-said, properly-written, ingenious turns-of-phrase to describe how much FUN she and her 1-year old are having together.
It was a dumb move to read that, right before I tried nursing Deven again and he wouldn't do much because the supply isn't there. Supply isn't there b/c demand hasn't been there; I haven't pumped much and he's eating a lot more solids in general. I yelled at my mom from the stress of daily life (sorry mom); our washer broke (ask Yogesh why) and our house - despite cleaning it for a week WITH our Nanny's help - still is a wreck. Stresses both Yogesh and I to no end.
**SIDEBAR**
Last Friday was horrendous in the office: hurricane-force winds in my new office created showers inside - yes, I mean rain on desks, and not just mine - our so-well-planned fabulous retro-factory space turned out to have 1 serious flaw, in addition to the minor ones like no lights in the private rooms: The roof wasn't fully coated/caulked prior to move-in. This wouldn't ordinarily be a problem, because normal rain will just run down - but when the winds are 70+ MPH from the south, it forces the water up inside the roof, and down onto...our desks. We lost power; some overhead flourescent lights started smoking when water hit their ballasts, and the porta-potty outside tipped over pretty close to our entrance. Ieew. At least my chair wasn't dumped on, like others I saw.
The weather was so bad, we were asked to stay IN the office for some time while the gale passed over. It was the first time I felt a desperate need to be HOME - to be on the same side of the Bay as my son - and that I really didn't like having to cross a bridge to get to work (ok, it wasn't the first time I've hated the bridge commute).
And to top it all off, the Redskins lost on Saturday.
** back to the point of the blog now**
So, I read the blog and justified working by thinking how much I enjoy it (on a dry, warm day at least). Nursing didn't go well - Deven's not weaning, but he's not working very hard to keep nursing either, and frankly, *I* like it.
Later yesterday, Deven did something pretty cool - he took a few tentative crawls across the floor. Yogesh then told me the same thing when I wasn't there - does that mean I missed a major milestone? Sigh. Again, the guilt.
I'm trying to ignore it, but as I look at our nude Christmas tree, (ornaments are stored, but the tree is still not put away) the guilt doesn't want to go away.
Still can't upload photos - though we gave Deven his first haircut (just to get the wispies out of his eyes). Tips appreciated!
Monday, January 7, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
3 comments:
I'm sorry to hear that you are having a rough start to the new year, but hang in there! It's a tough decision either way, but you know you know you made the right decision for you and your family to continue working. Not all weeks are like this one! Miss you. x christie
Kate
I think you are amazing for still trying to breast feed while working. Of course, there's no childcare like the one a loving parent can provide, but I also think it's great for Deven to have a strong career woman who loves what she does and strives to make a difference in the world he lives in as a primary female role model. Give him a big kiss and pat yourself on the back cuz lord knows you deserve it. -jackie
Kate,
If it is any consolation, it does get better with time. The "working mom's guilt" never goes away entirely (at least as far as I can tell) but it does get easier, especially when they get more independent and you can see how having other people in their life part of the day makes you all better, happier people. You will probably always have those moments when you are not with him, that you wish you were. But I suspect you will also have days where, after a weekend or week's vacation with him, that you are happy to go to work for a little while.
Post a Comment